My Life Is Changing

The title says it all. My life is changing. And I honestly don't know if that's for the good or for the bad. Let me explain.

This week, I was fired from my job. Huge shock to me cause I wasn't expecting it. I rather not go into all the details but let's just say that I need to figure out my life. I have a lot of things that are on my plate. I have a very troubled past that freaks me the fuck out. I have a lot of forgiveness I need to give to myself that I really just don't think think I can do. At least not yet anyway. Cause I honestly don't think I deserve it. As I sit here, cleaning our bamboo floors with a scrubber, I start thinking more about what I need to do and what I should do. Is it bad that both of them seem to be the opposite?

I need to file unemployment. I need to find a job. I need to do what is expected of me in society.

But at the same time, I should just focus on what I love. I should find my life path. I should just let everything go. I should just forgive myself.

They might not seem different, but to me, they totally are. I have had an issue my entire life about being focused. I never really could just stay on a set cobblestone road. Instead, I tend to go into the woods and back many, many times. I can never stay on a straight course. I'm really hoping that my wanting to go back to church will help with this. But I need to figure things out now. At least, that's what my mind is saying. It's just so difficult. And while I'm writing this, I just feel like I'm rambling and that none of this really matters. Which is a real problem for me. It goes back to not staying on the right course. Jumping around isn't something I need to do. It's not something I should do. It's just something I do.

So far, the only right track I'm taking is my training. Running seems to keep me focused but only for the time I'm doing it. I should just force it into my every day life. Not the running. The focus. I should take what I have learned from all this training and just put it into my life somehow. Maybe that would make the rest of my life focused.

And then there is the issue of what I want to do for my life. I really want to help people. Doing the fundraisers and raising money feels so good to me. I would love to start my own business but when it comes down to it, I have no idea what to do. I'm not business savvy. So I don't know what to do. It freaks me out that I don't know. I get paranoid about it. I'm really scared.

But somehow, all the freaking, being all scared and super paranoid does something I don't expect.

It makes me smile.