The title says it all. My life is changing. And I honestly don't know if that's for the good or for the bad. Let me explain.
This week, I was fired from my job. Huge shock to me cause I wasn't expecting it. I rather not go into all the details but let's just say that I need to figure out my life. I have a lot of things that are on my plate. I have a very troubled past that freaks me the fuck out. I have a lot of forgiveness I need to give to myself that I really just don't think think I can do. At least not yet anyway. Cause I honestly don't think I deserve it. As I sit here, cleaning our bamboo floors with a scrubber, I start thinking more about what I need to do and what I should do. Is it bad that both of them seem to be the opposite?
I need to file unemployment. I need to find a job. I need to do what is expected of me in society.
But at the same time, I should just focus on what I love. I should find my life path. I should just let everything go. I should just forgive myself.
They might not seem different, but to me, they totally are. I have had an issue my entire life about being focused. I never really could just stay on a set cobblestone road. Instead, I tend to go into the woods and back many, many times. I can never stay on a straight course. I'm really hoping that my wanting to go back to church will help with this. But I need to figure things out now. At least, that's what my mind is saying. It's just so difficult. And while I'm writing this, I just feel like I'm rambling and that none of this really matters. Which is a real problem for me. It goes back to not staying on the right course. Jumping around isn't something I need to do. It's not something I should do. It's just something I do.
So far, the only right track I'm taking is my training. Running seems to keep me focused but only for the time I'm doing it. I should just force it into my every day life. Not the running. The focus. I should take what I have learned from all this training and just put it into my life somehow. Maybe that would make the rest of my life focused.
And then there is the issue of what I want to do for my life. I really want to help people. Doing the fundraisers and raising money feels so good to me. I would love to start my own business but when it comes down to it, I have no idea what to do. I'm not business savvy. So I don't know what to do. It freaks me out that I don't know. I get paranoid about it. I'm really scared.
But somehow, all the freaking, being all scared and super paranoid does something I don't expect.
It makes me smile.
Thursday, March 28, 2013
Monday, March 18, 2013
O'Niantic 2013
This past Saturday was my second official running 5K (the first being at the Hartford Marathon last October) - the O'Niantic 2013 5K. I have been excited for this one since January when I started up my training for the half marathon I'll be doing this October in Hartford, CT. And what better way to start the running season by doing an event that's right next door to my home town. And the coolest part: I got to wear all green! Yup. It was a St Paddy's Day race. Friday I went and picked up my race bib and got good ol' number 87, which is my good luck number.*
So the race started a little before 10am and there were over 800 people there. I was ready to go at 9am. I wanted to run. The day before I ran 7 miles in an hour and five minutes and I wanted to get in this last 3.1 miles before the weekend was up. 10 miles in two days doesn't seem too weird, does it? I didn't think so. Once everyone began running, it was like the last race I did: everyone just bunched up together until people started breaking out. I had to get past people that were going too slow/walking for my enjoyment. I know my pace and that definitely was not it. The nice part about this course was the whole thing was flat. Very, very enjoyable since I've been running hills for the past three months during training.
When I hit about 1 mile, I already saw the person in the lead heading back to finish the race. Yea, about 10 minutes in someone already had done 2 miles. Good for him. Found out he finished the race 16:06. I'd be dead if I did that. I hit the 2.5/2.75 mile mark and started booking it into the next gear. I've been practicing a lot to try and cut my time down by speeding up towards the end of a run. It's been going well for me so far so I decided to do it again. About the 3 mile mark, I saw my dad and could hear him say "You're under 27 minutes. Hurry the fuck up." I love my dad. I don't know where I got the extra energy from but it was there and I turned it to 11. I crossed the line and saw my time.
26:23.
I honestly could not believe it. My last 5K had a time of 28:02. Granted there were no hills in this one and hills definitely slow me down but I'm super pleased with my time. I got hugs and kisses from the girl and high fives from the parents. My day was complete, especially when I was handed my prize for finishing.
Yes, I won a pint glass.
*Note: I never really had a lucky number in my lifetime. I just thought it was pretty cool that my race bib was below 100 for a number. And I honestly don't believe in lucky numbers but probably should after all of this.
Also, I finally realized I'm losing weight when I first saw these pics. Go figure.
So the race started a little before 10am and there were over 800 people there. I was ready to go at 9am. I wanted to run. The day before I ran 7 miles in an hour and five minutes and I wanted to get in this last 3.1 miles before the weekend was up. 10 miles in two days doesn't seem too weird, does it? I didn't think so. Once everyone began running, it was like the last race I did: everyone just bunched up together until people started breaking out. I had to get past people that were going too slow/walking for my enjoyment. I know my pace and that definitely was not it. The nice part about this course was the whole thing was flat. Very, very enjoyable since I've been running hills for the past three months during training.
When I hit about 1 mile, I already saw the person in the lead heading back to finish the race. Yea, about 10 minutes in someone already had done 2 miles. Good for him. Found out he finished the race 16:06. I'd be dead if I did that. I hit the 2.5/2.75 mile mark and started booking it into the next gear. I've been practicing a lot to try and cut my time down by speeding up towards the end of a run. It's been going well for me so far so I decided to do it again. About the 3 mile mark, I saw my dad and could hear him say "You're under 27 minutes. Hurry the fuck up." I love my dad. I don't know where I got the extra energy from but it was there and I turned it to 11. I crossed the line and saw my time.
26:23.
I honestly could not believe it. My last 5K had a time of 28:02. Granted there were no hills in this one and hills definitely slow me down but I'm super pleased with my time. I got hugs and kisses from the girl and high fives from the parents. My day was complete, especially when I was handed my prize for finishing.
*Note: I never really had a lucky number in my lifetime. I just thought it was pretty cool that my race bib was below 100 for a number. And I honestly don't believe in lucky numbers but probably should after all of this.
Also, I finally realized I'm losing weight when I first saw these pics. Go figure.
Monday, March 11, 2013
Shattered Glass
So ten days later and I finally remember that I should write in this.
Things are going very well. I have a meeting with the board of trustees for my friend's church to try and get my fundraiser held there this year on Wednesday. I'm sort of nervous/sort of ready for the meeting. On one hand, I don't know these people and I don't know how they are going to handle my fundraiser. On the other, my friend said not to worry. So we'll see. I'm getting more and more excited for this fundraising event. I think the Disneyworld Half Marathon will be awesome. Oh the plans I have.
Speaking of running, things are going fantastically well. Last weekend I registered for the Hartford Half Marathon and I found out it's the 20th running. So I'm really excited to be a part of it. The closer I get, the more happier I feel. And this Friday is my next mountain to climb: 7 Miles. Last two weeks were my 6 mile runs and I nailed them. Around 60 minutes for both. If I keep this pace up, the half marathon in October will be so easy for me. But I'm just looking one day at a time. I can't jump ahead of myself and hope that things go well. If I want to succeed at this race as well as others, I have to keep it going the way I have it. I also get to try my GU Energy Gel on Friday. First up is vanilla. So we'll see how I enjoy it. If I enjoy it.
I also started doing more chest and ab workouts to try and lower my upper body body mass. I'm going to stick with it for a month and see if there is any noticeable changes. I hope so cause the exercises I'm doing are killer on me, especially after running 3-4 miles. But I have complete faith in myself. And I'm really enjoying this training. I never thought I'd find something I could really enjoy.
This Saturday is also my first race of the year. I'm going to Niantic, CT and doing the O'Niantic 5K. Apparently it's suppose to rain so we'll see how that goes. I hope it doesn't cause I don't want it to be postponed on me. I also found out there is going to be a race in June that's 5 minutes from my house. I'm super excited about that one and can't wait to find out more info when they release it. I'll try and post some pictures after the race is up so everyone can see.
Other than that, life is going good. Hope the sadness I had last week was just a one time thing. I didn't like that at all.
Things are going very well. I have a meeting with the board of trustees for my friend's church to try and get my fundraiser held there this year on Wednesday. I'm sort of nervous/sort of ready for the meeting. On one hand, I don't know these people and I don't know how they are going to handle my fundraiser. On the other, my friend said not to worry. So we'll see. I'm getting more and more excited for this fundraising event. I think the Disneyworld Half Marathon will be awesome. Oh the plans I have.
Speaking of running, things are going fantastically well. Last weekend I registered for the Hartford Half Marathon and I found out it's the 20th running. So I'm really excited to be a part of it. The closer I get, the more happier I feel. And this Friday is my next mountain to climb: 7 Miles. Last two weeks were my 6 mile runs and I nailed them. Around 60 minutes for both. If I keep this pace up, the half marathon in October will be so easy for me. But I'm just looking one day at a time. I can't jump ahead of myself and hope that things go well. If I want to succeed at this race as well as others, I have to keep it going the way I have it. I also get to try my GU Energy Gel on Friday. First up is vanilla. So we'll see how I enjoy it. If I enjoy it.
I also started doing more chest and ab workouts to try and lower my upper body body mass. I'm going to stick with it for a month and see if there is any noticeable changes. I hope so cause the exercises I'm doing are killer on me, especially after running 3-4 miles. But I have complete faith in myself. And I'm really enjoying this training. I never thought I'd find something I could really enjoy.
This Saturday is also my first race of the year. I'm going to Niantic, CT and doing the O'Niantic 5K. Apparently it's suppose to rain so we'll see how that goes. I hope it doesn't cause I don't want it to be postponed on me. I also found out there is going to be a race in June that's 5 minutes from my house. I'm super excited about that one and can't wait to find out more info when they release it. I'll try and post some pictures after the race is up so everyone can see.
Other than that, life is going good. Hope the sadness I had last week was just a one time thing. I didn't like that at all.
Friday, March 1, 2013
Big Run
I honestly feel the more I keep running, the more likely I'm going to break some personal record that I've set for myself. I don't really have a personal record set for anything. But today, I think I should start keeping track of some sort of record. Today was the longest run that I have ever done. Ever. Ever. Ever. I think that by saying "ever" a bunch of times really solidifies the fact that I pursued my next goal.
Today, I ran 6 miles in under an hour.
Just looking at that statement makes me feel all warm inside. And I don't think I can stop smiling about it either. Growing up, I was never the person who wanted to run. In fact, I honestly never wanted to do any exercising outside of playing ice hockey. I've always had bad feet and ankles and whenever I tried sports that required running, like lacrosse or baseball, I would constantly sprain my ankles something fierce. I remember one year, I sprained my left ankle to the size of a grapefruit. I never thought I'd be able to pursue any exercising that would require use of my feet. Which, if you think about it, is pretty much any sport or activity. So I continued to gain weight and not even care. I stopped caring about my looks since I knew there was no chance.
If you asked me back then about running 6 miles, I would have laughed in your face and then shoved a half dozen cookies in my mouth. There was never a time in the first 29 years of my life that I was ever going to see myself change. Granted, meeting my girlfriend really helped with the change that I have taken but seeing the change right in front of my eyes has pushed me more than I ever have pushed myself before. Seeing 50+ pounds disappear off my body in two years has made me want to continue. And I crave more. I crave more miles to run. I crave the better lifestyle that I deserve.
There are some things that I can honestly tell you I need work on. For one, my diet. I need to come up with a diet plan that will work with me running. I currently eat a lot of fruits and vegetables but I know that there are still some processed foods that I eat. I know it's still early to work on it. I have to stop craving bad foods and start just eating good ones. I need to research this one more. I also want to try and lose my stomach and chest. Since I've been overweight most of my life, those are the two hardest parts to work on. I need to find exercises that I can do daily (and continue to do daily) that will tighten up those parts. I know that having a better diet will ultimately decrease the bad parts and increase all the good.
I know that I can do it. I've gone this far and I'm already excited to try 7 miles in a few weeks. Call me crazy but I never thought that I'd enjoy something like this ever in my whole life. Ever.
Ever.
Ever.
Today, I ran 6 miles in under an hour.
Just looking at that statement makes me feel all warm inside. And I don't think I can stop smiling about it either. Growing up, I was never the person who wanted to run. In fact, I honestly never wanted to do any exercising outside of playing ice hockey. I've always had bad feet and ankles and whenever I tried sports that required running, like lacrosse or baseball, I would constantly sprain my ankles something fierce. I remember one year, I sprained my left ankle to the size of a grapefruit. I never thought I'd be able to pursue any exercising that would require use of my feet. Which, if you think about it, is pretty much any sport or activity. So I continued to gain weight and not even care. I stopped caring about my looks since I knew there was no chance.
If you asked me back then about running 6 miles, I would have laughed in your face and then shoved a half dozen cookies in my mouth. There was never a time in the first 29 years of my life that I was ever going to see myself change. Granted, meeting my girlfriend really helped with the change that I have taken but seeing the change right in front of my eyes has pushed me more than I ever have pushed myself before. Seeing 50+ pounds disappear off my body in two years has made me want to continue. And I crave more. I crave more miles to run. I crave the better lifestyle that I deserve.
There are some things that I can honestly tell you I need work on. For one, my diet. I need to come up with a diet plan that will work with me running. I currently eat a lot of fruits and vegetables but I know that there are still some processed foods that I eat. I know it's still early to work on it. I have to stop craving bad foods and start just eating good ones. I need to research this one more. I also want to try and lose my stomach and chest. Since I've been overweight most of my life, those are the two hardest parts to work on. I need to find exercises that I can do daily (and continue to do daily) that will tighten up those parts. I know that having a better diet will ultimately decrease the bad parts and increase all the good.
I know that I can do it. I've gone this far and I'm already excited to try 7 miles in a few weeks. Call me crazy but I never thought that I'd enjoy something like this ever in my whole life. Ever.
Ever.
Ever.
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