How did I stop so I could lose weight? I didn't. No exercise or weight loss for me. True, I played hockey and that was about the only sport I could play but being a big kid was beneficial to me on the team. So I continued to stay big, all through elementary, middle and high school. I clearly remember sitting in health class during middle school and had one of the girls in the class turn around, look at me in the eyes, and say that I had sausage thighs. Sausage thighs. Who the hell says that to someone who was already a social outcast to begin with? That stuck with me for years. I continued to get fat and just always looked back, remembering the girl laughing about that to my face. But it was never seen as a push to me. Like, I never saw it as a reason to get control for my life.
During college, I did try and lose weight. I went to the gym since it was free for students to go to. I was up at six in the morning every day and I would drag myself to the gym on the other end of campus. That eventually stopped since I was just bored. I wouldn't say bored of going to the gym. I was just bored of doing it. I didn't really care that much. I just looked at myself and would said "Well, you made it nineteen years being this way, what's another couple of more?". And that really stood out, years later, as the turning point of my life. I would eventually go into deep, dark depressions to the point where I really would really want to end my own life. Nothing drastic. Just cutting myself. In all actuality, I think it was just a cry for pity. I never once harmed myself and don't think that I could honestly do it. I just knew that I was in a dark hole that I couldn't get out of.
Afterwards, my life went into a downward spiral that I am so very surprised I was able to get out of. I went through some life changing moments. Things seemed to go from bad to worse and with that came more eating and more weight gain. I even capped myself at around 290 lbs by this time. When I was finally able to get out of the state of despair that I was in, I started to change things around. I began to start feeling better about myself, even if the weight was a huge determining factor on my life and the things I wanted to do. I still was negative with myself (and to this day I still am but not as much as I use to be) but I made it a mission to try and remove that from everything. Things were the most difficult in this time. I didn't think I could ever change back to something I never saw myself as. But I persevered.
I started Weight Watchers in 2010 and lost a lot of the weight but I couldn't see myself paying for it and went off of it the next year, gaining some (20 lbs) back. And then I met my girlfriend. I wouldn't say that she was the reason I changed but she was a huge reason behind the change. I started getting control of my life and realized what I wanted my life to be like. I knew what I wanted to do. So I got into running, something I had tried starting a few years prior but never could really see myself doing full time. I promised her that I would run a 5K in honor of her and her struggles in life (cancer) and I did it. Afterwards, I didn't stop. I continued to run and train for the next race. I wanted to get better. And, deep in the back of my mind, I wanted that little boy in middle school who was picked on for having sausage thighs to flick off every person that ever made fun of him. As difficult as that is now, me doing this training pretty much is telling all the doubters to go screw themselves. I've ran 193 miles this year so far and it is making me such a stronger person. But it does lead me to one conclusion.
Being overweight has made me who I have become now.
To me, this helps me realize that I've overcame a lot of personal struggles. I definitely have more to go but weight will not be something that keeps me down. Looking in the mirror now reveals a different person, someone that I actually like looking at.
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